So help me God.

Dear God,

We talked about a lot of things in 2013. Seems the whole year went by like it was a week or ten days total and now 2014 has begun just like a gunshot fired at midnight in Karachi.

I woke up on the morning of January 1st, 2014 with very mixed feelings; there is such a big backlog of prayers I have sent to You, and I am wondering when You will respond to them? I mean I get it, that You know best - but are all the things I pray for bad for me? 

I want to kill all my Hope. 
The last twenty years are proof that Hope is nothing but a disease bordering on becoming an addiction; that feels good but makes you sick and kills you slowly. 

You know, better than anyone, that I have survived several painful crushing things in my life. Things that left me dead inside for years. Things that have killed parts of me that will never wake up again. Still, I think that this is your greatest blessing on me... that you did not let me die, that you gave me little rainbows in every storm and for that I love You tremendously. But I want big rainbows now, and no more storms.

They say the light enters us through our wounds, but all I feel in these wounds is darkness. 

You know, better than anyone, how damaged I am. You promised me that you would not burden me more than I can take, then why does it feel like I am about to split in two with the weight of this life on my shoulders? 

When I was a little girl crying over something terrible that happened to me, someone said to me: 

God has said He will love you seventy times more than your mother loves you. Is that true.

I am so confused, to be honest... if this is seventy times more than my mother loves me, then I think my mother doesn't love me at all. Because I do not feel loved by You.

Please show me a sign? 
I need you to forgive my sins, fight my demons, and send me a guardian angel for the rest of this life. 

Thank you for 2014 - I love life - let this be the beginning, not the end, of me.

Love,

Jane