Post-Drama/ Post-Trauma

It is so lovely when the littlest things and moments bring the largest smiles. There is an intense sense of Peace to have Joy without the effort of searching for a smile or hunting down Happiness.

What alarms me at times is when the seemingly smallest of things bring the biggest of tears and heart-wrenching, soul-killing grief. When everyone around you believes you are falling apart over nothing - or something trivial, and you can't make them understand, maybe because you only feel the pain and hardly understand what to do with it yourself.

There are such days... when I feel exhausted inside... but I keep on going.

I question what holds me together, often. Sometimes I feel I have no strength to go on - and yet somehow I (maybe I become inhuman?) continue to go on; through my pains, through the tears, through the undeserved tormenting hurt. Dreaming of a rectification and of Justice... Perhaps, something will change; some one will come - and save me sooner than later?

This Life is a just winding road - no one really knows where it is going... We just keep on walking... pretending… searching? But what for, and do we ever find it?

Life can be a bottomless pit - As if I am falling... falling... falling... way low, perhaps lower than last time, a brand-new low even! Will I have the strength to climb back out of this thick darkness that surrounds me?

This Life presents itself as an endless uphill climb when all I want to do is fall down and evaporate into nothingness. But I charge on, my dreams keeping a tiny hope alive, dragging me through the rocks, taking me higher...

I know I numb myself sometimes, as if a meditated killing of myself, temporarily dying just to stay alive for later. And what if some day this clever little trick I’ve taught myself becomes irreversible - that I remain in this sequential death of my soul forever, and I cease to be in spirit? I’m scared that this may happen one of these days…

We all play with fire. But what happens when one dives in to a volcano - Can I ever heal? How must I swim through this - the burning, the hurt, and the ashes? How do I reverse this? How do I get to the Stop, Erase, and Rewind buttons on the control panel?

Ah, yes. There is no Control Panel – I broke it. I lost my control.

I'm feeling like the Fat Lady's about to sing... anytime now...

- JB