It’s not the crown that makes the Queen.

“The worm that destroys you is the temptation to agree with your critics, to get their approval.”
…Don't forget, "As long as you love yourself people have no choice but to accept you.”

I have walked down both those roads at different times in my life. First, being ‘destroyed’ by the ‘worm’ - wanting to win the approval of others, and to be accepted by them. Often trying to fit in, but never feeling like myself, and never feeling good about making that effort. Then learning to ‘love yourself’- being hit by the realization (accepting) that I am different – I just can’t always fit in. Learning to accept who and what I am –embracing my self - was a big challenge. Loving myself, and finding people who genuinely understand and love me as I exist, without one iota of me tweaked for anyone’s approval.

I used to be selectively cautious. I did some things too early, and others very late. But then realized that despair and failure lead me to my clarity and my truths – and ‘I’ accepted ‘me’, my life, and my individuality. I have been very brave and very bold in the search for my belief system. And having found it, I adamantly remain true to my own beliefs and perspectives.

Now I always look at my reflection in the mirror with a smile. I can meet my eyes, I can wear my skin, I can hug my soul…

I know I am not the only person who wonders what they are doing here. I think we’ve all asked ourselves this question more than once in our lives. Shakur once said – “Remember to keep yourself alive. There is nothing more important than that.” I believe that is our mission here on Earth for this life. Our mission is to find our real self, without bias accept who we are and grasp it, to live freely and at peace with our lives. This is for the greater good. Because one is only capable of sharing love and happiness and freedom and peace after one has found it within. And then maintain a balance by giving these elements to other lives that touch the circle of my life, as I touch the circles of those lives.

“Sometimes we are forced in directions that we ought to have found for ourselves.”
Maybe because, “There are no regrets in life, just lessons.”

-JB

If I was a tree growing tall and green, all I'd want is for you to shake me, and be my leaves...

I remember the little ten year old who used to eat Ovaltine powder out of the tin when Mama was sleeping in the afternoon, and laughing out loud when Mama opened the tin after a few days horrified to find the Ovaltine stuck together from moisture getting in. Hey! Ovaltine was hard to come by in those days - and no one was allowed extra portions with salivated tablespoons...!

I remember the first Barbie I ever owned. My aunt got it from London and it was the most beautiful doll in the world. I showed it off a gazillion times, beaming with owner's-pride as my friends looked at it with envy. I also haven't forgotten the torture of seeing it being flung into the ceiling fan by my naughty elder brother - and the doll coming down in two pieces!

I remember fighting over a little red post box my father had brought - that we both wanted to own - and my brother got it - it was the most beautiful box I ever saw.

I remember baking my first cake. My father got me a box of Hundreds & Thousands. It was the most deformed looking cake in the world, when I think about it now. But back then, it was the most perfect cake in the world...*sigh* Didn't taste too bad either, by the way.

I remember my younger brother helping me make my MSN account - and patiently explaining to me how it works. He was such a little brat as a kid, always Mama's baby when we were all little - I would play the role of the bossy older sister, and enjoy it so much. Simply because it annoyed him!

I remember my first trip to the beauty salon with my Mama (for the first time to get something more than just a school specificated haircut), and wearing make-up for the first time to a family wedding! I remember getting my first pair of high-heels. They were shiny hot pink! (I nearly tripped... they were also a daring three inches!)

I remember driving a car for the very first time, and my Dad showing me how to use the clutch on the battered old car he'd borrowed from work to teach me on - just incase I hit something! Dad - always so practical.

I remember falling in love... And then learning other things that come with it... I remember learning to let go, and letting go...

I remember writing my first article and getting my first pay-check. That was a great feeling of having achieved something. And getting my first real job - as a teacher.

I remember seeing my picture in the paper for the first time - WOW - when I scored the highest in my exams. I remember my parents beaming with pride that day. They were proud of me.

I remember stepping into motherhood. The most beautiful of my memories - I remember how it felt to bring life in to the world. I have no words to describe the feeling of complete and utter bliss. I remember learning a new kind of love with this title - Mother. I remember teaching my children to paint. Letting them make a mess as I made hand-prints for me to keep. And giving them their first lychees to taste... their little noses crinkling, wondering how the jelly-like, white-looking thing will taste on their tongues. I remember the first time I took them to see the snow... and we attempted to make a snowman. I remember teaching them how to walk, run, speak, sing, and go to school. I remember baking my daughter's first batch of brownies with her. I remember the first time my son fell, and how brave he was. They are my masterpieces, like symphonies - my 1st and my 2nd.

I remember the first diamond ring I ever owned. It is the most beautiful ring in the world. And though I don't wear it anymore, it is a special thing, it makes me smile to myself when I see it in my jewellery box.

I remember a recent summer abroad, when I met my parents as a mature adult. And fell in love with them all over again. We made many new memories that year.

I remember laughing about 'Pajara da tax' and 'Kitchen ki batti off?' and 'Yeh kya hai?!' and the award-winning 'Hum khatay thay pehlay...' inside jokes we own.

There have been good times, and there have been great times... I remember these times with a full-colour picture. They heal me over and over again from all the bad stuff that I have been through.

Whenever I was hurting, I think, little bits of me dropped away. These memories brought new bits, that were gradually plastered over the spaces left empty, and I kept growing into who I am.

I make an effort to always remember the good times and focus on forgetting all the bad times. It's a constant process. I feel like a sculpture, and the sculptor who made it - simultaneously. I chisle away at myself, letting what I don't want, or can't have, go. Keeping what I love, and own it. Crafting and molding and shaping - making me who I am eventually: The Daughter, the Sister, the Mother, the Woman - all glorious, all beautiful.

To my parents, my brothers, and my children - I love you from within. I'm not great at showing it sometimes. But I think of you everyday...

'In the morning I wake up, before I put on my make-up... I say a little prayer for you...!'

-JB

Post-Drama/ Post-Trauma

It is so lovely when the littlest things and moments bring the largest smiles. There is an intense sense of Peace to have Joy without the effort of searching for a smile or hunting down Happiness.

What alarms me at times is when the seemingly smallest of things bring the biggest of tears and heart-wrenching, soul-killing grief. When everyone around you believes you are falling apart over nothing - or something trivial, and you can't make them understand, maybe because you only feel the pain and hardly understand what to do with it yourself.

There are such days... when I feel exhausted inside... but I keep on going.

I question what holds me together, often. Sometimes I feel I have no strength to go on - and yet somehow I (maybe I become inhuman?) continue to go on; through my pains, through the tears, through the undeserved tormenting hurt. Dreaming of a rectification and of Justice... Perhaps, something will change; some one will come - and save me sooner than later?

This Life is a just winding road - no one really knows where it is going... We just keep on walking... pretending… searching? But what for, and do we ever find it?

Life can be a bottomless pit - As if I am falling... falling... falling... way low, perhaps lower than last time, a brand-new low even! Will I have the strength to climb back out of this thick darkness that surrounds me?

This Life presents itself as an endless uphill climb when all I want to do is fall down and evaporate into nothingness. But I charge on, my dreams keeping a tiny hope alive, dragging me through the rocks, taking me higher...

I know I numb myself sometimes, as if a meditated killing of myself, temporarily dying just to stay alive for later. And what if some day this clever little trick I’ve taught myself becomes irreversible - that I remain in this sequential death of my soul forever, and I cease to be in spirit? I’m scared that this may happen one of these days…

We all play with fire. But what happens when one dives in to a volcano - Can I ever heal? How must I swim through this - the burning, the hurt, and the ashes? How do I reverse this? How do I get to the Stop, Erase, and Rewind buttons on the control panel?

Ah, yes. There is no Control Panel – I broke it. I lost my control.

I'm feeling like the Fat Lady's about to sing... anytime now...

- JB

Mother is a VERB - never a noun

-JB :)

Now I lay me down to sleep, a pile of Hate inside I keep...

So many people in my life. People I see often enough. People I see through some of the time.

And I play along... Letting them bury themselves deeper and deeper in the fallacies they create to court attention. How shiny and bright they seem. How lustre-less and bland they are. No depth, nor beauty beyond the colours they paint themselves with, and the borrowed feathers they wear. So removed from the truth - all their words, and all their acts. They really believe people can not see their real faces. Perhaps this is the only innocent thought that ever crossed their minds?

They are all snakes, waiting to strike as they slither in your sleeve... And sometimes when I take the covers off their concealed realities - exposing what and who they really are, they hiss in angry tones, 'We are not your friends! You have hurt us!'

I ask, 'You were my friend?'

They have no answer to give.
It always saddens me when I am forced to accept who they really are. Deep down in my heart I wish... That for once, just once, I may have read them wrongly, unjustly. For once I should be mistaken and them desperately misunderstood. Not one has said yet, that I 'misunderstood' them, only that our 'friendship' is over... I wish my hardest that for once I am wrong, that for once they are real, that for once all they speak is the truth.

Oh, Stupid World! Give me one real friend?

-JB

Women & Children - Health, Death, Disaster?

The conclusion of a US Agency for International Development funded study on Population and Health issues presented a bleak picture recently. The survey exposed a substantial gap between family health knowledge, contraceptive knowledge, and the use of solutions in the local population.

*The Facts -

96% married women know about modern methods.

Only 22% use them.

1 in 4 married women has a need for family planning, but does not know how to go about fulfilling that need.

More than one-third deaths of women aged 25 to 29 years are owing to maternal causes.

35% women receive no pre-natal care during their pregnancies.

Only 44% married women have heard of AIDS. However, they have NO actual knowledge of the causes and precautions of HIV or AIDS.

20% know that using a condom can prevent AIDS but less than half will benefit from this knowledge.

One-third births take place within 24 months of a previous birth.

47% children aged between 12 to 23 months receive all recommended vaccines.

Over 9 of every 100 children die before they celebrate their 5th birthday.

* 95, 000 families across Pakistan were individually contacted in this survey.

Sadly, it doesn't seem like we are going to have the progressive and promising future that we were aiming for.

Love/Luck/Perfection... I'm rambling... thinking out loud... 'scusi moi.

I used to believe in my lucky socks, magic sea shells and gratitude rocks - I used to be an advocate of Luck, Love, and Perfection – Now I only wonder about the realities of the three abstracts - Are these all that we run after perpetually our whole lives? Do they really exist?

Luck – Will hanging up a horse-shoe change your life? Or perhaps investing in a Rabbit’s paw? Maybe I’ve become a bit of a cynic... In truth, I want to believe, and there are those rare circumstances when people make me want to believe in Luck so badly. I wish I got that ‘lucky’ just once?!


Love – The definition of many different relationships and feelings – friends, family, and children – these are 'loves' that we often don’t have to prove we deserve, we feel them, we have them and share them (usually unconditionally) – of course, there are exceptions here too. Interestinging though, the kind of Love we most yearn for, hope for, search for, and want to get lucky with – can exist only between a man and a woman (also a man and a man, or a woman and a woman – hey, whatever works for you!)– A Fairytale, possibly? What do I know…? I am trying so hard to be a cynic! This Love happens to be the most complicated kind of Love. Especially today, when people are nothing but fickle, one way or another- they’re either going to cheat on you, or act like a martyr, or leave you when the realization strikes them that they were not in love with you to begin with – that their definitions of Love are different from yours - Enter, Perfection...? Or you will do all these things to someone who ‘loves’ you. You see!? In the case of Love, you need Luck the MOST! Let’s hope you only fall in love and not fall from grace in the process *tough one*.


Perfection - A standard we ‘create’ (even breed) in our minds, over time, based on experiences, observations, and preferences. Although, when we go out to find this ‘Perfect-ness’ we realize it does not exist, we are at quite a loss. We even learn (sometimes painfully) that as we aim for Perfection it is a moving target! Either we eventually see imperfection in what we believed to be perfect, or we alter our perception of Perfection during our search for it. All this running around eventually will tire us, and we’ll wonder if we should stop looking for Perfection- continuing to live our mediocre, non-perfect lives. Then shall we turn again to hope for some Luck to come our way…? *sigh*


Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… I'm just trying to see that rainbow (made up with colours of Luck/Love/Perfection).

"Please Check Your Parcel Before Receiving"

Thursday evening I decide to treat myself to something pleasurable - no, no, don't let your dirty mind wander - more along the lines of a good meal I've been craving for days and some new literature to read at the end of my long and tiring (but quite rewarding) week/ work days.

I drive to a famous bar-b-que joint, place a take-away order with the waiter (remembering my dad the whole time - incidentally, this is the good meal he often craves too!)and walk into my favourite bookstore adjacent to the bustling restaurant.

I buy my books, walk to my car where the waiter is patiently waiting for me to collect my order and pay him. Paid and tipped he leaves. I drive off home, happy.

I stuff my face with the food [understatement]. Make myself some green-tea and clear up the kitchen as it cools.

It is then that I see at the BOTTOM of the packet, like some words of wisdom out of a fortune cookie after a Chinese meal, a statement sent to me by the Universe - to answer the questions I have been shooting out to it this week :

"Please Check Your Parcel Before Receiving"

I am puzzled. How BEFORE 'receiving'? Not before 'taking' your parcel, but before 'receiving' your parcel. Hmmmm... Really?

I sip my green-tea. I must try out this very new concept given to me. I smile, and Kane plays in my head...

"Tell me do you wanna believe it
Tell me would you wanna receive this life
That's only meant for you
There is so much that you can choose
Without giving in

And one of these days
It's gonna come right back to you
One of these days

I got the heart and soul
Got the right from wrong
O I'll sing it
Yes I believe it
Got to believe it
Got my heart and soul
And the will to go on
Yes I believe
And it feels good
It feels good"

-JB

The Monsters that come out in Karachi

It is the year 2008.

You're in your early 50s. You've lived a dignified, honest life. Done no harm to anyone, raised a child, cared for a family, worked hard at your small business.

You live in Karachi, Pakistan. Your car-radio clock displays 9.58 pm You're driving to your ordinary home, in your ordinary car, with your valuable family. You're just getting to the flyover that'll bring you closer to your home.

You are aware of the Monsters that are everywhere in Karachi now. They steal, they rob, they kill, they harm. You hold on to your Faith, you hold on to that peace in your mind.

You have your wallet, your mobile, you wear your watch - you are mentally prepared that these may be snatched from you at any point, any time... these are the times you live in. You are prepared to give them up to any Monster that may come.

But what happens next you were never prepared for, not in a million years, not after a million hold-up stories of Karachi...

You are driving at middle speed. A man appears out of nowhere in front of your car. No gun, just a raised hand, signalling you to stop: you think he is mad. You slam the breaks to save his life. And let him in. To destroy yours.

In the car there is silence. He has a gun! He points it at your wife at the window, he can shoot and kill through the glass. You realise he is not mad, he is a Monster...

He motions for your wife to open the door, she does. The three of you sit frozen and tense. Ready to give up your money, your phones, your car... but this is not what the Monster is after.

"Do do kahan leja rahay ho?" [where are you taking two women?]
Pause.
"Aik mere saath jai gi..." [one will come with me now]

As he says that last sentence he is looking at your daughter, she whimpers and starts crying. You are stunned. It is a nightmare sequence where nothing is making sense and everything feels terrifying, and beyond your control.

He moves back slightly, as if to open the backseat door to get in with your daughter, you wife, tears in her eyes says,

"Mujhey le jao.." [Take me]

He holds her arm from behind as she gets off the car. You can do nothing, say nothing, you can not move...

Traffic is moving. No one stopped to help before, no one stops now. Life stops. Your life stopped. In those five minutes of negotiating between giving your wife or your daughter.

Your daughter is crying, shaking, terrified. You look around again, hoping your wife will walk back to the car... it does not happen.

You can't remember how you got home.
You don't remember making the calls.
You don't remember what you tell the police and your people.
You are numb.

24 hours go by... then 48...and 72 hours later, your wife returns home. She is mute. She looks dirty. And broken. As if she was battered and then glued back together, just enough to stand and walk temporarily.
She doesn't look human.
She is already a ghost.

You quietly go to your room. Take your gun. And put a bullet through your brain.
You aren't prepared to live with the Monsters anymore.

*** Written in memory of a real-life incident, in Karachi, in August 2008, for a family that was destroyed by a Monster ***


Be afraid... Be VERY afraid.

- JB

Perfectly Normal

Just as Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, 'Perfection' follows the same rule for the beholder...

An individual we see as 'perfect' conforms absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal in our minds. An ideal we have created based on our own personal life experiences and conditioning. We would imagine this individual to be excellent- complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement.

Though this may be a mere figment of our imagination, this 'perfect' person exists for each of us in our spheres of life; A person who exactly fits the 'bill', as it were... completes a certain need which too has been created by our own thoughts. We see him/ her as a being devoid of any and all flaws, defects, or shortcomings: the absolute circle- accurate, exact, and correct in every detail. Utterly complete- Perfect. A person who is unblemished and pure in all aspects of our requirements of perfection. Possessing all the qualities and traits that we have sought out, and who features the highest degree of excellence that we have created in our visions.

I suppose then, that it is fair to say that Perfection comes from our own experiences, and we register it as what we want and desire. Our idea of the perfect person varies greatly from the ideas of others searching for perfection. We may feel that their ideal of perfection is imperfect, just as our 'perfect' will not be seen as perfect by them.

-JB

Penny-worth Thoughts...

Nothing in this life is permanent.

The one person, who is with us for our entire life, is our self.

Life is measured by the breaths we take?

Should we not measure it by the moments that take our breath away?

Those are the only moments that mean anything.

The only substance.

The only reality.

-JB

Reality Check

She sat in one of the toilet cubicles, eating her lunch... A maid who was on duty at one of the local malls.

It hurt me to see a human being reduced to this- She was not allowed a lunch break, she was paid by the hour; She was not even allowed to sit in the waiting area of the public toilet to eat her meal.

I was numb with shock.

I know people who would not even use a public toilet... Yet, this human being had to use the place as a dining area. I felt ashamed, and very sad. She seemed like a clean, kind woman with a sad and lonely face. Maybe it was her self-respect, maybe she was desperate to keep the job, or else why would she work to earn her monthly income servicing public toilets, even if that meant eating her meals whilst on duty there.

As we exchanged glances, she smiled at me- it was a genuine smile that made my heart ache for her; Almost as if she was saying to me, 'I'm alright...' I gave her some money and left, goose-bumps on my skin as I walked away.

I felt quite ashamed thinking how I had spent most of the morning today worrying about - new tires for my Suzuki; whether I would be able to get all the things on my shopping list; whether I had enough money in my wallet for the day out - as I sat with my son, eating pizza, and playing on the computer, in my very comfortable home. I thought of the little details of my day, how great it had been.

Let me never forget it- this wonderful life.

There are times when I have felt I do not have enough in this life. Today I realise how much I have, how ungrateful I have been sometimes.

May I be more thankful for this life...

-JB

Stripes or Spots?

I detest it when my 'friends' challenge my belief system. This particular piece is for all of them. Though they may never read this, I want to share it with the rest of you, who may have 'friends' such as these...

There are times when people expect you to do things that are against your inner self, against your belief system, things you do not want to do. You must never do these things. If there is a shred of doubt in your mind and heart- listen. Doubt means 'DON'T'.

And most importantly- To change for others is to lie to yourself. Identify yourself. Be self aware. Who are you? Know it, believe it, BE it.

Reversal of this confuses me- I agree with the Saint who said, 'Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking (or society) makes it so.' Bringing us back to our personal ideology, our belief system; What we see as fair, good and right. Humans are selfish by nature. They will live as they see fit, they will convince themselves that what they are doing is correct at the expense of going against society- because it is what THEY want. Retrospectively they may feel it was bad or wrong, but in the present it is RIGHT- their right- it is what they will do, because that is their primal need, taking what is theirs. So should we always 'BE' who we are?

I think the better path to take would be to change for yourself. But not for others. That is a positive way to be selfish, in grasping your right to free will. Choose what is good for you, not only what makes you feel good mometarily.

Dignity must never be forgotten. Grace is important to cultivate self respect. It is our choices that define us and our character, not our fates. This is what separates the loser from the winner. It's not about being religious, or moral. It's about being dignified in all acts, at all times.

Limits must never be overstepped. Boundaries must be defined and recognized at all times throughout life and at the moments of making decisions. Limits are of the utmost importance. If you have none, you have no boundaries. You are exposed and susceptible. You become destructable and penetrable. It is your limits and discipline that protect you the most in this life.

Reputation is a weapon of power, like Pride. Pride your reputation.

Once lost or cracked it is hard to mend.

Try not to learn these rules the hard way.

-JB